In the Tunnel

Seems like recently I find myself discontented more and more often.

I'm upset with the way the kids are acting, and it frustrates me. Every day Noel and I clash over something insignificant that turns into an outright war. Yesterday it was over a Capri Sun. I kid you not, a Capri Sun. I'll spare you the details.

I wish I had more one-on-one time with my husband. Our days are filled with half-completed conversations because they've been interrupted by a 3 year-old's questions or a 1 year-old's screams.

I miss teaching. I'm supposed to go to a retirement party tomorrow for a fellow teacher, and part of me doesn't want to go because it makes me so sad that I'm not still working there. It's been four years, and I still miss it all the time. I know that sounds awful, especially to people to would kill to be in my shoes, staying home with their kids. And believe me, I am incredibly thankful that we have the means and opportunity to keep Noel and Elise home. But I still miss it.

I wish I could be a better friend and have closer friends. I struggle with loneliness.

It's kind of like I'm in a tunnel in life--not a valley or a mountaintop, just a dark spot where I'm not quite sure of where I'm headed. Corrie ten Boom, one of my favorite authors, describes our journey with God as a train trip. And she says (I'm paraphrasing here) that when you're on a real train and it goes into a tunnel, you don't jump out because you're scared. You hang on tightly and trust the engineer to get you through.

To be honest, none of the scenarios I was complaining about is life-shattering. We are healthy, David has a job, we have food, shelter, and safety. But when I focus on myself and the areas I am unhappy with, it's tempting to start feeling more and more sorry for myself instead of hanging on and trusting that God has a plan for me. Instead of whining and moping and being discontent, I need to look around and see where I can be a servant right now, what I can be doing to make life better for those around me. Maybe I need to turn on a flashlight in my tunnel and look around to see if anyone else needs to know that the Engineer is in charge, and He will get us through.